Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Lets start over again
So, here I am... writing again. Hoping this time I will stick to it and find out of this road Im on. Yet, arent we where we are suppose to be?
I want to start in the beginning... just to give you a little idea about who I am and where I came from.
I am the result of a affair that a married man had with my mother. I have a half-brother 3 mos older than me. I didnt know my father, didnt meet him till I day I saw him in his coffin at the age of 15 yrs old. You cant imagine how long I had been looking for him. I would call random people from the white pages with the same last name, asking if he had a daughter by the name of... never found him. Till one night, my uncle who was on parole from prison (yea, I know) was reading the newspaper and said that there was a obit of a man with the same name as my fathers. I called the funeral home the next day (found out they arent suppose to give out info or phone numbers) but, this man did. I dialed with shaking hands, close to tears, hoping it wasnt him. A woman answered the phone and I began to apologize saying I am sorry to bother you mam but I wanted to see if this was the right James..... she didnt let me finish but asked me .. Is this (my name). I began to cry. My father was only 37 when he died and I never got to know him. To this day I wonder if my life would have been different if he had been in my life.
At the age of 3 my mother met a man who didnt really like the fact that she had a child and I was given to my grandparents to live. She married this man and had a family of her own. I didnt see her often nor was I invited to their family vacation or get togethers, even as a adult. (till just recently) She did come over to see my grandmother every weekend but, I was never part of the visit. I loved my grandparents very much. I was blessed to have them in my life. I had some rough times and I know it had a impact on how I view men now. You see when I was 5 I was molested sexually by 2 men. In those days you didnt tell, you didnt mention it. So, I slept in between my grandparents for a long time and even when I slept alone I had to have a light on. Only because I was scared it would happen to me again. After those horrible times and the nightmares... guess what I started to do? I turned to food for comfort. Food always made me feel good inside. I was fat as a little girl till I got to 4th grade, thats when I started to round off to a butterball. I hated the name calling... mama cass, fat honky ( I was raised in a hispanic home but I was half white) for a fat kid I sure could run fast and keep up with the best of them. I felt like a only child because my uncles and aunts all left the home. Strange being raised in a neighborhood where drugs were a known fact. I just never wanted or cared to try them. I spent alot of time daydreaming and reading and wishing I was somewhere else. I became the typical teenager, wanting my freedom and wanting to do as I please. I was asked by my grandparents if I wanted to go live with my mom for awhile. (but, I found out that since my dad died and I got Social security, all of a sudden they wanted to be part of my life) so off I go ( I didnt last 4 months) my mothers husband gave her a choice either I leave or he does and since he was the bread winner and they had 4 kids, it was I who had to leave. There I was standing on the street waiting for a bus to take me somewhere ( I was 16) I ended up at a friends studio apartment. I lived there for awhile till I moved in with some other girls, I went back to school and got my GED. I had a boyfriend for awhile but we never had sex (he was older) he was possessive and bossy. He put me down a few times and basically told me if I wanted him to marry me, I will have to lose weight. ( at the time I weighed 150) (if he could only see me now..lol) I broke up with him and decided I just wasnt cut out to be with a guy. I had crushes, I looked from afar. Actually I had alot of male friends that I hung out with and even female friends. As a teen I had joined a acting troupe and loved acting. I can pretend I was someone other than myself and that was what I always wanted.. to be someone else. That was when I met "Juan" the one who basically told me I needed to lose the weight or lose him. I guess I lost him. I quit the acting troupe because he was in it and joined a band. Boy, I loved being in a band and traveling to different cities and playing small gigs. I sang and played key board. I was the only female in the band. Eventually the band broke up and we went our separate ways. I still run into a band member here and there. So all this time... I didnt have a boyfriend. Sure, I went on a couple of dates and daydreamed.. will this be my knight n shining armor? nope... I moved on..
Lets go forward a few years, Im 25 and still single. I started going to "church". I needed God in my life. And walks in "David" young and handsome. He was tall too and alot of the girls in church were eyeing him. Since I loved hiking, I was always inviting my roommates and one day a roomie decided she wanted to go but wanted her boyfriend to go too.. and of course her boyfriend was friends with "David". We became good friends, a couple of yrs went by and he asked me out, I went. Okay, I have to tell you that I thought he was my age but found that he was uh.. 6 yrs my junior. We were both a bit surprised and decided it wasnt a good idea to date, besides he already had a eye on my other roomie (she was hot and I didnt blame him) Most of the men knew she was hot even the married ones and they all acted like dogs in heat.
Well, I suppose to be a christian and here I am in a hotel room with a guy who I shouldnt be with and I slept with him. yep, had s e x. We ended up leaving the church and moving to California and here is where the nightmare began.
The car broke in Barstow and I found a job as a hotel asst manager. They provided us with a studio since I worked 6 days a week and 10 hr days. David found a job with a moving company. I worked graveyards and he went partying and brought girls home. I guess the guilt or something got to him because I started to get hit alot. Bruises on my arms, legs and neck and of course the black eyes. Makeup didnt do a good job with those at times. We had been there a few months when he told me he was going back to Arizona and he was taking me home. The owner of the hotel found out what was going on and had a talk with me .. told me I deserved better. I knew she was right and yet I went with him. There were a couple of times I wanted to kill myself by jumping out of the car while it was going down the freeway. On the way back to my hometown we stopped to sleep and he decided he wanted sex.. I decided I didnt (to bad) it happened. It was what you called forced sex. I got home, I had no job, no home and I was embrassed to even go to my family for help.
Two months home and I find out Im pregnant. {I am going to insert here because as I type what I went through, I am getting mad at myself. why in the hell didnt I just leave and not have anything to do with that man? why didnt I have more love for myself.}
I ended up moving back with my abusive boyfriend, I was working till I was 6 mos when he decided to make a scene at my work and I was let go. (they told me I could come back after I had the baby, but, I was thinking.. what am I suppose to do in the mean time?) well, losing my job meant I would lose my apt which I did and here I was homeless, pregnant and embrassed that I am even in the situation. David decided he wanted to grow up and take responsibility and marry me so that our son could have a home with 2 parents. I kept saying no ( I never did tell him I loved him) of course I was put down, I was selfish and only thought of myself. He monitored what I ate and he made me walk every day, took me hiking to make sure I didnt gain to much weight. I gained a total of 20lbs and he still thought that was to much.
The abuse went on, the chokings, the threats. He once put a gun under my chin and pulled the trigger ( I remember I felt like.. go ahead.. kill me.. end this hell for me) It didnt go off, he face turned white and he ran outside. He came back hours later told me that there were bullets in the gun and it should have gone off. (I truly believe angels were watching over me that night)
.............................
I want to start in the beginning... just to give you a little idea about who I am and where I came from.
I am the result of a affair that a married man had with my mother. I have a half-brother 3 mos older than me. I didnt know my father, didnt meet him till I day I saw him in his coffin at the age of 15 yrs old. You cant imagine how long I had been looking for him. I would call random people from the white pages with the same last name, asking if he had a daughter by the name of... never found him. Till one night, my uncle who was on parole from prison (yea, I know) was reading the newspaper and said that there was a obit of a man with the same name as my fathers. I called the funeral home the next day (found out they arent suppose to give out info or phone numbers) but, this man did. I dialed with shaking hands, close to tears, hoping it wasnt him. A woman answered the phone and I began to apologize saying I am sorry to bother you mam but I wanted to see if this was the right James..... she didnt let me finish but asked me .. Is this (my name). I began to cry. My father was only 37 when he died and I never got to know him. To this day I wonder if my life would have been different if he had been in my life.
At the age of 3 my mother met a man who didnt really like the fact that she had a child and I was given to my grandparents to live. She married this man and had a family of her own. I didnt see her often nor was I invited to their family vacation or get togethers, even as a adult. (till just recently) She did come over to see my grandmother every weekend but, I was never part of the visit. I loved my grandparents very much. I was blessed to have them in my life. I had some rough times and I know it had a impact on how I view men now. You see when I was 5 I was molested sexually by 2 men. In those days you didnt tell, you didnt mention it. So, I slept in between my grandparents for a long time and even when I slept alone I had to have a light on. Only because I was scared it would happen to me again. After those horrible times and the nightmares... guess what I started to do? I turned to food for comfort. Food always made me feel good inside. I was fat as a little girl till I got to 4th grade, thats when I started to round off to a butterball. I hated the name calling... mama cass, fat honky ( I was raised in a hispanic home but I was half white) for a fat kid I sure could run fast and keep up with the best of them. I felt like a only child because my uncles and aunts all left the home. Strange being raised in a neighborhood where drugs were a known fact. I just never wanted or cared to try them. I spent alot of time daydreaming and reading and wishing I was somewhere else. I became the typical teenager, wanting my freedom and wanting to do as I please. I was asked by my grandparents if I wanted to go live with my mom for awhile. (but, I found out that since my dad died and I got Social security, all of a sudden they wanted to be part of my life) so off I go ( I didnt last 4 months) my mothers husband gave her a choice either I leave or he does and since he was the bread winner and they had 4 kids, it was I who had to leave. There I was standing on the street waiting for a bus to take me somewhere ( I was 16) I ended up at a friends studio apartment. I lived there for awhile till I moved in with some other girls, I went back to school and got my GED. I had a boyfriend for awhile but we never had sex (he was older) he was possessive and bossy. He put me down a few times and basically told me if I wanted him to marry me, I will have to lose weight. ( at the time I weighed 150) (if he could only see me now..lol) I broke up with him and decided I just wasnt cut out to be with a guy. I had crushes, I looked from afar. Actually I had alot of male friends that I hung out with and even female friends. As a teen I had joined a acting troupe and loved acting. I can pretend I was someone other than myself and that was what I always wanted.. to be someone else. That was when I met "Juan" the one who basically told me I needed to lose the weight or lose him. I guess I lost him. I quit the acting troupe because he was in it and joined a band. Boy, I loved being in a band and traveling to different cities and playing small gigs. I sang and played key board. I was the only female in the band. Eventually the band broke up and we went our separate ways. I still run into a band member here and there. So all this time... I didnt have a boyfriend. Sure, I went on a couple of dates and daydreamed.. will this be my knight n shining armor? nope... I moved on..
Lets go forward a few years, Im 25 and still single. I started going to "church". I needed God in my life. And walks in "David" young and handsome. He was tall too and alot of the girls in church were eyeing him. Since I loved hiking, I was always inviting my roommates and one day a roomie decided she wanted to go but wanted her boyfriend to go too.. and of course her boyfriend was friends with "David". We became good friends, a couple of yrs went by and he asked me out, I went. Okay, I have to tell you that I thought he was my age but found that he was uh.. 6 yrs my junior. We were both a bit surprised and decided it wasnt a good idea to date, besides he already had a eye on my other roomie (she was hot and I didnt blame him) Most of the men knew she was hot even the married ones and they all acted like dogs in heat.
Well, I suppose to be a christian and here I am in a hotel room with a guy who I shouldnt be with and I slept with him. yep, had s e x. We ended up leaving the church and moving to California and here is where the nightmare began.
The car broke in Barstow and I found a job as a hotel asst manager. They provided us with a studio since I worked 6 days a week and 10 hr days. David found a job with a moving company. I worked graveyards and he went partying and brought girls home. I guess the guilt or something got to him because I started to get hit alot. Bruises on my arms, legs and neck and of course the black eyes. Makeup didnt do a good job with those at times. We had been there a few months when he told me he was going back to Arizona and he was taking me home. The owner of the hotel found out what was going on and had a talk with me .. told me I deserved better. I knew she was right and yet I went with him. There were a couple of times I wanted to kill myself by jumping out of the car while it was going down the freeway. On the way back to my hometown we stopped to sleep and he decided he wanted sex.. I decided I didnt (to bad) it happened. It was what you called forced sex. I got home, I had no job, no home and I was embrassed to even go to my family for help.
Two months home and I find out Im pregnant. {I am going to insert here because as I type what I went through, I am getting mad at myself. why in the hell didnt I just leave and not have anything to do with that man? why didnt I have more love for myself.}
I ended up moving back with my abusive boyfriend, I was working till I was 6 mos when he decided to make a scene at my work and I was let go. (they told me I could come back after I had the baby, but, I was thinking.. what am I suppose to do in the mean time?) well, losing my job meant I would lose my apt which I did and here I was homeless, pregnant and embrassed that I am even in the situation. David decided he wanted to grow up and take responsibility and marry me so that our son could have a home with 2 parents. I kept saying no ( I never did tell him I loved him) of course I was put down, I was selfish and only thought of myself. He monitored what I ate and he made me walk every day, took me hiking to make sure I didnt gain to much weight. I gained a total of 20lbs and he still thought that was to much.
The abuse went on, the chokings, the threats. He once put a gun under my chin and pulled the trigger ( I remember I felt like.. go ahead.. kill me.. end this hell for me) It didnt go off, he face turned white and he ran outside. He came back hours later told me that there were bullets in the gun and it should have gone off. (I truly believe angels were watching over me that night)
.............................
